How to Deal with Simple Obsessive Stalking

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Stalking is an indication of an unhealthy love. True love does not pressure the other to reciprocate the attraction and courtship of one’s romantic feelings. People must be aware that stalking can be a manifestation of a social pathology and psychological imbalance of some individuals. Demographically, stalking is a gender-neutral crime, with both male and female perpetrators and victims, but:

  • Most stalkers are men. Best statistics indicate that 75-80% of all stalking cases involve men stalking women.
  • Most stalkers know their victims. 60% are current or former intimate partners.
  • Most tend to fall into the young to middle-aged categories.
  • Most have above-average intelligence.
  • Many stalkers are anti-social, manipulative, deceptive, obsessive-compulsive, and have a history of failed relationships.
  • Stalkers come from every walk of life and every socioeconomic background. Virtually anyone can be a stalker, just as anyone can be a stalking victim [1]

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“Stalkers can be driven by several different reasons, and most have stalked more than one person in their lifetime. Stalkers are obsessed with their victims, and this obsession is expressed in many ways. Some common reasons for this obsession include power, control, and sometimes revenge. Most stalkers don’t take responsibility for their actions and blame others for making them do what they do. Relationship violence perpetrators often stalk their victims during the course of the relationship and especially after the victim leaves the relationships” [2].

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What is Simple Obsession Stalking?

     Simple obsession stalking “represents 70-80 percent (70-80%) of all stalking cases and is distinguished by the fact that some previous personal or romantic relationship existed between the stalker and the victim before the stalking behavior began. Virtually all relationship violence cases involving stalking fall under this rubric, as do casual dating relationships. Simple obsession stalkers exhibit a variety of characteristics, including the desire for extreme control, obsessive behavior, vengeful attitudes, an inability to handle rejection, and an assumption of little or no responsibility for their actions…

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     Once the victim literally becomes the stalker’s primary source of self-esteem, their greatest fear becomes the loss of this person. Their own self-worth is so closely tied to the victim that when they are deprived of that person, they may feel that their own life is without worth. It is exactly this dynamic that makes simple obsession stalkers so dangerous. In the most acute cases, such stalkers will literally stop at nothing to regain their “lost possession” –their partner– and in so doing, regain their lost self-esteem. Rejection often triggers this type of stalking.  Stalkers are the most dangerous when their victims determine to physically remove themselves from the offender’s presence on a permanent basis by leaving the relationship. Indeed, stalking cases which emerge from relationship /dating violence situations constitute the most common and potentially lethal class of stalking cases’ [3].

How to Deal with the Problem

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If stalker manages to make contact with you, say no clearly while avoiding humiliating him. (Don’t engage in dialogue. Pick a statement and keep repeating it. For instance just say “I’m not interested, there is nothing to discuss.”)

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Also, say no without any qualifiers. Stalkers interpret certain phrases or actions as “maybes” or as signs that they’re getting through to you. Do not say “I’m sorry, I’m not interested.” Never include “I’m sorry.” This is interpreted by stalkers as a sign that you have emotions for them, which they will see as a victory, or as a hope of future change… so they will contact you again later!

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To clearly establish that any further contacts are unwanted and will be in violation of your consent, tell them no in front of a witness, or as a last resort, send a succinct certified letter (or have your attorney send a letter).

Then:

* Cease all contact. Stalkers thrive on REACTION, ATTENTION, and ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. Don’t give any of this. Do not be available to him in any way. Behave as though he doesn’t exist. If you let him see you reacting to his actions, he will experience it as his personal power. Don’t do anything that suggests to him that he affects your world or that you notice his behavior. If there are certain types of contact or communication that are necessary or unavoidable (such as for divorce preparations), appoint a go-between (preferably a man) to handle all communication instead of you.

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* Notify friends, family, and your boss that this person is violating your right to peace and privacy, and is interfering with your personal freedoms and quality of life. Ask your peers outright if they will help you in the following manner:  Explain that they must NOT dialogue with the person in any way, regardless of any excuses the stalker may give. Then ask them to promise to notify you ASAP any time that they see or have contact with this person.

* Evaluate your mail delivery. If there’s any way for him to access your mail, start having it delivered elsewhere.

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* Collect information about anti-stalking laws in your state.  Figure out what steps you will need to get him arrested on a stalking charge, and follow those steps.  When you have enough documentation you can get a Restraining Order (Personal Protection Order).  These don’t really stop the stalking; their purpose is more so that you can get a good arrest report and court time when they violate the Order…. [4].

GIF Credits: Giphy.com

References

[1] https://safeconnections.org/who-are-stalkers/

[2] http://www.wgac.colostate.edu/types-of-stalkers

[3] Ibid.

[4] http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/stalking/

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7 Top Signs Your Husband is Cheating in Your Marriage

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1. He is often angry, critical and even at times cruel.

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One study showed that 70% of those surveyed reported this sign often coupled with emotional and verbal abuse, constant put downs and little to no patience. One woman reported that at the worst point he was more than disrespectful. He was just plain rude, impatient, angry and aggressive. He was constantly picking fights and refused to help out in the home or with our children. He always complain even in trivial things.

2. He becomes emotionally distant, withdrawn or depressed.

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Most of those who had been cheated on reported this type of behavior. The husband becomes became self-absorbed and living as if he was single with his own agenda and plans. He became more and more disinterested in his wife, as well as in his family, friends, and daily needs.

3. He complains that he is being controlled, and yet he is guilty of controlling his wife.

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A husband who often tells his wife that he needs space and don’t want to be bothered can be a sign that his mind is preoccupied with something. Just like any person who is in love, your husband is probably daydreaming about his new crush and may also be thinking how to maintain his extramarital affairs without being discovered by you, his wife.

4. He often comes home late or absent due to work: He increases his working hours, after work meetings, business trips, and out of town trips.

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If the husband often extends his working hours or spends business trips in prolonged period of time which he does not normally do, then he is probably seeing somebody in a romantic interlude.

5. He is paying extra close attention to his appearance.

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A husband who is extra conscious about his looks is a sign that he is falling in love with another woman. If he is buying new clothes, losing weight, extra primping, working out at the gym and other sudden fitness endeavors, then he is making himself adorable to another person and to you, his wife.

6. He becomes inappropriately defensive when asked question about his whereabouts or his changed of appearance and behavior.

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If your husband is not hiding something, he can be spontaneous in his answers to your queries. But if he is cheating, he would always do his best to keep his secret and infidelity. He would always make excuses on why he changed his appearance, behavior, and whereabouts.

7. He becomes overly conscious for his need for ‘privateness’ and staying up late at night to work on the computer.

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If your husband is hiding an extramarital affairs, he would always insist privacy in some things that he is doing at home that is related to his infidelity. If he uses his computer or smart phones, he would always put passwords or open his messages alone. He would easily become irritated if you would intrude into his own private space and see what he is doing with his gadgets.

Concluding Words

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Seeing all or some of these signs in your husband is not a guarantee that your husband is indeed unfaithful. These are just signs that need to be verified. They are only some common indicators that point to infidelity in marriage. Your husband would not normally exhibit a sudden change of behavior and attitude towards you as wife and your children if he is not distracted by an affair with another woman.

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These alerts must, however, be validated by concrete proof or evidence. Hiring a detective to investigate can be an option. As a wife you must first do a scientific research if you notice some of these signs in your husband before jumping into the conclusion that his having an affair with another person. Remember that marriage is a lifetime commitment that needs to be negotiated “til death do us part”. The welfare of your children must be your top priority in case your husband is indeed unfaithful. Think and pray before you decide to divorce him and remember what Christ said:

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Photo Source: 316quotes.com

GIF Credits: Giphy.com

Reference

Bercht, A. (n.d. ). “10 Signs of Infidelity.” Retrieved from https://beyondaffairs.com/suspicion-confrontation/signs-of-infidelity/.

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10 Danger Signs Your Priest Has Serious Problems with His Vocation

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Pope Francis condemns careerism among priests and religious. Treating one’s priesthood as a career rather than a personal calling from God to live a life of service and holiness is contrary to the Church’s teachings on the true nature of Catholic priesthood.

“Using especially strong language on one of his favorite themes, Pope Francis decried a plague of careerism among priests and urged them to renounce their personal ambitions for service to the church — warning that failure to do so would make them look “ridiculous.”

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“Careerism is a leprosy, a leprosy,” the pope said June 6, in a speech to students from the Pontifical Ecclesiastical Academy, the school for future Vatican diplomats. “Please, no careerism!”

All types of priestly ministry require “great inner freedom,” the pope said, which calls for “vigilance in order to be free from ambition or personal aims, which can cause so much harm to the church.”

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Priests must make their priority the “cause of the Gospel and the fulfillment of the mission” entrusted to them, not self-fulfillment or public recognition, he said.

Such self-denial “may appear demanding,” the pope said, “but it will allow you, so to speak, to be and to breathe within the heart of the church.”

By “cultivating a life of prayer,” he told the priests, one can transform daily work into the “gymnasium of your sanctification” (Catholic News Service).

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Here are some signs that your priest is infected with the leprosy of careerism and, therefore, has serious problems with his vocation as a servant of God. This calls for the laity to pray for priests and be vigilant against clerical abuse to help them overcome careerism:

1. He is often conscious about his physical appearance.

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Priests are expected to be role models in hygiene and decency with regard to attire. But if he is too conscious of his looks and acts like ordinary teenagers, be warned that he have fallen in love with somebody or is having personal issues he cannot let go. It is normal for a person who falls in love to be extra conscious about their appearance and health.

2. He is often unavailable in the parish church.

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Priests are normally busy on weekends, especially Sundays, because most of the sacraments in the parish are celebrated during these days. Except if priests has other duties in the Church or seminary, they are expected to be available on weekdays. If they are not available and always out-of-town, then be warned that they may have personal affairs or relationships they are busy with during ordinary days.

3. He lacks enthusiasm when celebrating the sacraments.

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If the priest celebrates the sacraments such as the Mass, Baptism, Matrimony, etc as if he is only doing them as a chore, without enthusiasm, then be warned that he may have problems with his prayer life. One can easily feel the sanctity of the priest through his aura, demeanor, and level of spiritual enthusiasm in celebrating Christ’s sacraments.

4. He is often in need of money.

Priests have allowances and can receive stipends when celebrating masses. But if he engages in funding raising without a reasonable cause, be warned that your priest might be financing something such as a fancy car or supporting his own family which can be contrary to his vocation.

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5. He is often temperamental.

It is understandable that a priest might get angry if something goes wrong in his parish plans and see wrongdoing of his parishioners. After all, priests are also humans. But if he is suddenly different from his usual self and becomes easily irritable even in trivial things, then be warned that he might be in serious crisis with his vocation. He might have some serious personal problems which may be contrary to his vocation.

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6. He doesn’t prepare well his sermons.

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One can easily tell through the aura and sermon of the priest if he is a holy and spiritual person or he is just doing a chore. A good priest prepares his sermons well. He must not exceed 15 minutes in his homily as suggested by Pope Francis. He must not also use his sermons to vent his personal issues and unfulfilled needs.

7. He loves to show off his latest gadgets.

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Priests who love to show off his latest gadgets, such as iPhones, hoover boards, Mac Pros, and other expensive equipment, are giving wrong impressions to the laity. Why would they act like secular persons if they are spiritual leaders of the Church? They are supposed to be role models in Christian virtues and not commercial models for the latest expensive gadgets. Lay people would then start to doubt the sincerity, spirit of poverty, and holiness of their parish priests if they see them owning and using expensive gadgets.

8. He likes fancy cars.

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Craving for fancy cars and SUVs seems to be the common preoccupation of the new generation of priests. Instead of making themselves role of models of practicing the spirit of poverty mentioned in the Beatitudes, they become status symbols of a middle class lifestyle. The diocese must have a strict policy on owing and using luxury vehicles for their priests as this practice is contrary to the simple lifestyle of Jesus.

9. He is worldly in his ways.

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Priests can be sociable beings but not socialites.As pastors and witnesses of the Gospel, they must be aware that there personal actions, tastes, and activities must not be interpreted by the laity as worldly or materialistic. Lay people can easily spot a priest who is spiritual from a worldly one.

10. He is having an affair.

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Although lay people can sympathize with priest’s loneliness and lack of intimacy in parish church, they are also alarmed if they know their priests are having an affair with women or men. Persistent concubinage and other forms of illicit sexual union by priests are forbidden by the Church’s Canon Law. Once a priest engages in concubinage or sexual abuse, he loses gradually his vocation and lives a double life. He loses his credibility and becomes a liability to the Church. The Catholic church paid millions of dollars as damages in courts due to clerical sexual abuse in the US and around the world. The most common challenge faced by many priests today is how to satisfy their need for intimacy without leaving the priesthood.

GIF Credits: Giphy.com

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6 Weirdest Love Stories and Marriages Ever Told

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The Bible and the Church teach that marriage is sacred and a union between a man and a woman. Ephesians 5:25 says:

“For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her.” Genesis 2:24: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” … He who loves his wife loves himself.”

Despite this Biblical teaching, people with different cultural orientations prefer to marry their bride and groom according to their personal taste and cultural preference. The following are among the weirdest love stories and marriages ever told:

1. A Lady who Fell in Love with a Wall and Married it

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“Eija-Ritta was only 7 when she saw the Berlin Wall for the first time on television and she felt head-over-heels when she saw the wall. Eija developed a fetish for inanimate objects and married the concrete structure in 1979. Her surname also means Berlin Wall in German and when the structure was brought down in 1989 she was in tears and said ,”What they did was awful. They mutilated my husband.”

“In an interview in The Telegraph she admitted that she felt some attraction for The Great Wall of China, but in 2008 her affection was beginning to shift towards a nearby garden fence” (Campobasso, 2018).

Eija-Ritta was later diagnosed with a condition called Objectum-Sexuality. Though she remained virgin as a human, she insists she has a full, loving relationship with the wall for having married the structure for more than 29 years now” (Giri).

2. A Man who Wedded a Video Game Character

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“In 2009 a Japanese otaku (a rabid fan of Japanese manga, anime and video games) found the love of his life in a handheld DS game. The man, known only by his gamer tag ‘SAL9000’ later went on to arrange an extravagant wedding ceremony with his pixelated wife-to-be, Nene Anegasaki from the Japanese dating simulation game Love Plus. Following their their honeymoon in Guam, SAL9000 admitted that he was somewhat nervous about introducing Nene to his family. Though SAL9000 may be the first to publicly announce his love for a video game character, he’s not the only one as others have also found their relationships with dating simulators as becoming increasingly real and serious” (Campobasso).

3. A Man who Married and Kissed His Dead Girlfriend

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“Chadil Deffy and Sarinya Kamsook had plans to get married soon after Deffy completed his studies. But his life was devastated after he learned the news of Sarinya’s death in an accident even before the two finalized a date to tie the knot. But death could not beat his love. Deffy married his deceased girlfriend in a combination funeral and wedding ceremony where he placed a ring on Sarinya’s hand, his girlfriend of 10 years and kissed her in a ceremony in Thailand’s Surin province” (Giri).

4. A Woman Who Married Her Own Self

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The “39-year old Liu Ye reportedly chose to marry a life-size photograph of himself, wearing a red bridal gown, in the village square in Guanzhou, China at a ceremony in front of bewildered wedding guests and onlookers in 2007. Ye said that what led him to his decision to marry himself was a general “dissatisfaction with reality” and being “a little bit narcissistic”. Despite the bride being a photograph of the groom dressed in drag, the wedding is said to have otherwise followed standard Chinese customs and traditions” (Campobasso, 2018).

5. A Man who Married a Pineapple

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“Around 44 years ago Ulli Hopper, also known as the German popstar ‘Ramma Damma’ traveled to Gretna Green, a village on the Scottish border, in a Jaguar covered in AstroTurf. While he was there he claims to have taken his love for plants to the next level by proposing to a pineapple that he had bought from a fruit vendor for around £8.

Hopper told Metro Magazine that he named the pineapple ‘Tippi’ and that the two were married to each other by a craftsman wearing a kilt before traveling back home to Munich. According to Hopper it was a “fun away wedding”.

Despite the unconventional relationship between a human and a tropical fruit, the two lovers engaged in wholesome activities, like going to the cinemas. Hopper said that Tippi particularly enjoyed movies featuring earthquakes and when she got scared she sat in Hopper’s lap. They also enjoyed going to restaurants where Tippi the Pineapple enjoyed a glass of water over dinner” (Campobasso, 2018).

6. A Woman Who Married a Cobra

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in India, a 30-year old woman fell in love with and married a cobra in a traditional Hindu wedding in 2006 before 2,000 guests. According to the bride’s mother, the woman had previously been very sick and was only cured after offering milk to the snake.

GIF Credits: Giphy.com

References

Campobasso, P. (7 March 2018). The World’s Most Bizarre Relationships and Love Stories (with Non-Humans). Retrieved from https://pairedlife.com/misc/The-Worlds-Strangest-Relationships-and-Love-Stories-with-Non-Humans.

Giri, G. (n.d.). “10 Crazy Real Life Love Stories To Warm Your Heart”. Lifehack. Retrieved from https://www.lifehack.org/355978/10-crazy-real-life-love-stories-warm-your-heart.

Wales, G. (21 April 2011). “30 Weirdest Love Stories”. Gamesradar. Retrieved from https://www.gamesradar.com/30-weirdest-love-stories/.

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9 Top Signs Your Boyfriend is a Playboy

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1. He is usually a good-looking man.

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Cheers! You’ve got a man that you can be proud of to your friends in terms of looks and sociability! Playboys are usually good-looking and sociable human beings. But they can’t be reliable in terms of fidelity and commitment. If your boyfriend is a playboy and an expert in the game of love, he is not only charming to you but also to others.  He always wants to be on top of his game. That is why he is always conscious about his appearance, physical shape, and demeanor. Since women generally like men who are confident, he is usually slow in movements and actions, always a gentleman to impress you that he is the man you’re looking for! But things are not what they seem! If you’re looking for a man who dates you in the altar, then a playboy is not the Mr. Right for you! Move on and find another man!

2. He’s evasive and mysterious.

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Your relationship with him is not constant or solid. Actually, he is always mysterious about personal things. You would rarely have him tell you about his dreams, aspirations or insecurities. They are just protective about personal data. He wouldn’t want you to use these things against him at some point. Playboys are always hiding something but they tend to master the art of deception. So do a background check of the person you are dating!

3. His words do not match his actions.

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A playboy boyfriend is good at giving promises to his girlfriends. He is eloquent and usually a master of the art of persuasion. He can play with words. He says one thing and does another thing. He makes promises he cannot keep. He is more about calming your feelings for the moment rather than acting to making sure you are secure.

4. He doesn’t make contact when he’s away.

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A playboy usually has other relationships. So he cannot devote his entire attention to one girl or partner.  If he’s out of town for three days or three weeks he would usually avoid contacting you as his girlfriend. As soon as he comes back, though, best believe you’ll be the first person he hits up, saying sorry and coming up with ‘I had network problems’ excuses – or my personal favorite, ‘My battery died’. So, wherever you were, no-one had a phone charger?

5. He will tell you he’s not like others.

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A testimony about one’s self is actually self-serving. Don’t immediately believe him. A playboy boyfriend is usually good at blaming others but not himself. It’s important to him that you believe him when he says he’s not like the others. He will even get ‘hurt’ when you accuse him of being just like everyone else.

6. He has other relationships.

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Boy! Playboys are not satisfied with one girl and one relationship. They are not born to be like this, though. They are probably influenced by their own fathers, relatives, and friends who are womanizers and who do not respect women’s dignity by sticking to one partner. He cannot commit to you as your boyfriend and promise you marriage because his attention is divided with other girls. But take note that playboys are good at hiding his other relationships. He deletes videos and text messaging that can incriminate him!

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7. He often talks about sex in your relationship.

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Since playboys are only after sex, they have no capacity to go beyond the physical and the material. They have no intention of marrying you. Their conversations are usually full of sexual innuendos indicating their state of mind. They can be handsy, touching your body when in public and private places. Run away from him and find a suitable partner!

8. He’s not willing to show you to his friends and family.

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Playboys are not fond of introducing their “collection” of girls to their families, relatives, and friends. If your boyfriend is not introducing you to his family, close relatives, and friends, he is probably a playboy. He is not interested in establishing a long-term commitment with you in marriage. Remember that marriage of two people is also a union of two families and their network of relatives and friends. If he is keeping you away from his family and relatives, he’s probably thinking only of a short-term relationship with you and may only be thinking of having sex with you! He’s in a hurry. If this is the case, start looking for another guy worthy of your love!

9. He’s not clear about the relationship.

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The relationship can be vague and mysterious. Veteran playboys do not want a long-term relationship that can lead to marriage. He only wants a temporary relationship. He never gives you every detail about his whereabouts or what he is up to when he is not with you. He has no clear plans for the future. He just wants an erotic relationship with you. Playboys are certified womanizers. Thus, run away from your playboy-boyfriend and find a more honest and sincere man who wants to marry you in the future.

GIF Credits: Giphy.com

References

Cosmo (n.d.) 5 signs You’re Dating a Playboy. Cosmopolitan. Retrieved from https://www.cosmopolitan.co.za/sex-relationships/5-signs-youre-dating-playboy/.

Imafidon, C. (n.d.). 13 Things Only Girls Who Date A Playboy Would Know. Lifehack.org. https://www.lifehack.org/324408/13-things-only-girls-who-date-playboy-would-know.