Why Men Suffer More Badly than Women after Breakups

sad low kii savage GIF by Kiiara

Many assume that women would suffer more trauma than men after an ending of a serious relationship. This conclusion may be true in the economic realm, especially if the female partners or wives are dependent on their boyfriends and husbands for support. But in the emotional or psychological realm, the case may be different. Women tend to perform well in coping with the emotional pains after a breakup in a relationship compared to men!

A study by Perilloux and Buss (2008) indicated that knowing who among the men and women would suffer more pain in coping with a breakup would depend on who are the rejectors and rejectees.

Animated GIF

Both men and women who were rejected, compared with those who did the rejecting, experienced more depression, loss of self-esteem, and rumination. But between men and women who were both rejected after a serious relationship, men tend to suffer more emotional hardships than women.

If men were rejected (rejectees) by their girlfriends and housewives (rejectors) in serious relationships, they tend to cope very badly after breakups compared to women (rejectees). Some studies revealed that women typically report experiencing more benefits after the breakup and men report poorer adjustment (e.g.Avellar & Smock, 2005; Bevvino and Sharkin, 2003; Haugaard and Seri, 2003).

mad men cry GIF

In addition, since men tend to be more romantic and more involved in establishing and maintaining a romantic or marital relationship, they experience more frustrations compared to their female partners after a divorce or separation. To enhance their romantic union, men tend to invest more time and resources than women. This serious investment of male partners in a romantic or marital union can lead to large costs if the relationship is terminated. Breakups can be costly and emotionally devastating to men when their ladies decide to discontinue the relationships.

x-men cry GIF

Why Men Deal with Breakups More Badly than Women

1. Although they tend to have more business and social connections as well as personal friends than women in public life, men generally have less intimate friends to confide their emotional problems compared to women. In terms of quality and intimacy in personal relationships, women tend to have deeper social bonding with their peers, cliques, and friends than men. Women tend to share more of their negative emotional experiences with their inner circles of friends than men.

women GIF by buzzfeedladylike

2. Men tend to hide their emotions compared to women. In a patriarchal society, men are socialized by their parents to be strong, logical, active, and masculine in their personal ways. Sons are expected to avoid signs of femininity in dealing with problems of life.

CyclonesTV strong man GIF

Although they are trained to be strong in real life problems, they are not socialized to handle well emotional problems such as divorce or serious breakups in romantic relationships. Thus, when their girlfriends and wives decide to end the relationship, they usually experience strong depression, loneliness, and imbalance in their daily routine. Men’s main confidante in romantic and marital relationships are usually their female partners. Thus, if the latter would divorce and reject them, the separation and emotional hurt are indeed very painful to them. In this case, many would resort to palliatives such as using drugs and alcoholism just to forget the past and minimize the emotional suffering.

charlie sheen drinking GIF

3. Men do not often express negative emotions compared to women (e.g., Burke et al., 1976; Levenson et al., 1994). Some studies have shown that there are gender differences in the stressful reactions to coping with negative daily life events and that women are more likely to use negative emotion-related coping strategies such as cognitive rumination and seeking emotional support than men (Matud, 2004; Tamres et al., 2002).

chatting african american GIF

Conclusion

In sum, it is true that men, especially the breadwinners, can easily cope well after a divorce or separation than women in the economic realm. But in the area of emotional and psychological adjustments, men tend to suffer more emotional pain and trauma and recover badly after a breakup compared to women. The socialization process or social upbringing of men in society that emphasizes reason, achievement, suppression of negative emotions, and focus on economic and social pursuits, rather than on fulfilling emotional needs for males, is a major contributory factor on why men tend to have less intimate friends and tend to be inhibited to share their emotional problems after a breakup.

Thank you for reading this post. Feel free to like, comment, or share it with your friends and followers. Cheers and best wishes!

GIF Credits: Giphy.com

References

Avellar, S., and Smock, P.J. (2005). The economic consequences of the dissolution of cohabiting unions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 67, 315327.

Bevvino, D.L., and Sharkin, B.S. (2003). Divorce adjustment as a function of finding meaning and gender differences. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 39, 8197.

Burke, R. J., Weir, T., & Harrison, D. (1976). Disclosure of problems and tensions experienced by marital partners. Psychological Reports, 38, 531–542.

Haugaard, J.J., and Seri, L.G. (2003). Stalking and other forms of intrusive contact after the dissolution of adolescent dating or romantic relationships. Violence and Victims, 18, 279297.

Levenson, R. W., Carstensen, L. L., & Gottman, J. M. (1994). The influence of age and gender on affect, physiology, and their interrelations: A study of long-term marriages. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 67, 56–68.

Matud, M. P. (2004). Gender differences in stress and coping styles. Personality and Individual Differences, 37, 1401-1415.

Perriloux, C and Buss, D. (2008). Breaking up Romantic Relationships: Costs Experienced and Coping Strategies Deployed. Evolutionary Psychology. 

Tamres, L. K., Janicki, D., & Helgeson, V. S. (2002). Sex differences in coping behavior: A meta-analytic review and an examination of relative coping. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 6, 2-30.

Why Men Suffer More Badly than Women after Breakups

sad low kii savage GIF by Kiiara

Many assume that women would suffer more trauma than men after an ending of a serious relationship. This conclusion may be true in the economic realm, especially if the female partners or wives are dependent on their boyfriends and husbands for support. But in the emotional or psychological realm, the case may be different. Women tend to perform well in coping with the emotional pains after a breakup in a relationship compared to men!

A study by Perilloux and Buss (2008) indicated that knowing who among the men and women would suffer more pain in coping with a breakup would depend on who are the rejectors and rejectees.

Animated GIF

Both men and women who were rejected, compared with those who did the rejecting, experienced more depression, loss of self-esteem, and rumination. But between men and women who were both rejected after a serious relationship, men tend to suffer more emotional hardships than women.

If men were rejected (rejectees) by their girlfriends and housewives (rejectors) in serious relationships, they tend to cope very badly after breakups compared to women (rejectees). Some studies revealed that women typically report experiencing more benefits after the breakup and men report poorer adjustment (e.g.Avellar & Smock, 2005; Bevvino and Sharkin, 2003; Haugaard and Seri, 2003).

mad men cry GIF

In addition, since men tend to be more romantic and more involved in establishing and maintaining a romantic or marital relationship, they experience more frustrations compared to their female partners after a divorce or separation. To enhance their romantic union, men tend to invest more time and resources than women. This serious investment of male partners in a romantic or marital union can lead to large costs if the relationship is terminated. Breakups can be costly and emotionally devastating to men when their ladies decide to discontinue the relationships.

x-men cry GIF

Why Men Deal with Breakups More Badly than Women

1. Although they tend to have more business and social connections as well as personal friends than women in public life, men generally have less intimate friends to confide their emotional problems compared to women. In terms of quality and intimacy in personal relationships, women tend to have deeper social bonding with their peers, cliques, and friends than men. Women tend to share more of their negative emotional experiences with their inner circles of friends than men.

women GIF by buzzfeedladylike

2. Men tend to hide their emotions compared to women. In a patriarchal society, men are socialized by their parents to be strong, logical, active, and masculine in their personal ways. Sons are expected to avoid signs of femininity in dealing with problems of life.

CyclonesTV strong man GIF

Although they are trained to be strong in real life problems, they are not socialized to handle well emotional problems such as divorce or serious breakups in romantic relationships. Thus, when their girlfriends and wives decide to end the relationship, they usually experience strong depression, loneliness, and imbalance in their daily routine. Men’s main confidante in romantic and marital relationships are usually their female partners. Thus, if the latter would divorce and reject them, the separation and emotional hurt are indeed very painful to them. In this case, many would resort to palliatives such as using drugs and alcoholism just to forget the past and minimize the emotional suffering.

charlie sheen drinking GIF

3. Men do not often express negative emotions compared to women (e.g., Burke et al., 1976; Levenson et al., 1994). Some studies have shown that there are gender differences in the stressful reactions to coping with negative daily life events and that women are more likely to use negative emotion-related coping strategies such as cognitive rumination and seeking emotional support than men (Matud, 2004; Tamres et al., 2002).

chatting african american GIF

Conclusion

In sum, it is true that men, especially the breadwinners, can easily cope well after a divorce or separation than women in the economic realm. But in the area of emotional and psychological adjustments, men tend to suffer more emotional pain and trauma and recover badly after a breakup compared to women. The socialization process or social upbringing of men in society that emphasizes reason, achievement, suppression of negative emotions, and focus on economic and social pursuits, rather than on fulfilling emotional needs for males, is a major contributory factor on why men tend to have less intimate friends and tend to be inhibited to share their emotional problems after a breakup.

Thank you for reading this post. Feel free to like, comment, or share it with your friends and followers. Cheers and best wishes!

GIF Credits: Giphy.com

References

Avellar, S., and Smock, P.J. (2005). The economic consequences of the dissolution of cohabiting unions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 67, 315327.

Bevvino, D.L., and Sharkin, B.S. (2003). Divorce adjustment as a function of finding meaning and gender differences. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 39, 8197.

Burke, R. J., Weir, T., & Harrison, D. (1976). Disclosure of problems and tensions experienced by marital partners. Psychological Reports, 38, 531–542.

Haugaard, J.J., and Seri, L.G. (2003). Stalking and other forms of intrusive contact after the dissolution of adolescent dating or romantic relationships. Violence and Victims, 18, 279297.

Levenson, R. W., Carstensen, L. L., & Gottman, J. M. (1994). The influence of age and gender on affect, physiology, and their interrelations: A study of long-term marriages. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 67, 56–68.

Matud, M. P. (2004). Gender differences in stress and coping styles. Personality and Individual Differences, 37, 1401-1415.

Perriloux, C and Buss, D. (2008). Breaking up Romantic Relationships: Costs Experienced and Coping Strategies Deployed. Evolutionary Psychology. 

Tamres, L. K., Janicki, D., & Helgeson, V. S. (2002). Sex differences in coping behavior: A meta-analytic review and an examination of relative coping. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 6, 2-30.

Why My Former Student was Stabbed to Death by Her Boyfriend after a Breakup

attractive-1867127_640
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Separation from a romantic and marital relationship is a fact of life, especially when lovers or spouses refuse to negotiate to continue their partnership. Both men and women suffer after a breakup or divorce as the song goes…

“Here I am
Alone and I don’t understand
Exactly how it all began
The dream just walked away
I’m holdin’ on
When all but the passion’s gone

And from the start
Maybe I was tryin’ too hard
It’s crazy, ’cause it’s breakin’ my heart
Things can fall apart, but I know
That I don’t want you to go…”

But the process of separation or divorce after months or years of loving relationship can be very difficult for partners with all the sweet memories stored in their minds despite all the conflicts and personal pain they have undergone before separation. Many research studies show that men tend to suffer more emotionally compared to women, especially if they are rejected by their partners or wives. Because men are trained in society to keep their emotions and personal problems within themselves, their female partners or wives usually become their close friends or confidante of their personal struggles. And if their partners and wives reject them in a breakup or divorce, the pain of separation can indeed be unbearable. The following lyrics capture the pain and pleading of a man to his female partner to stay:

heart-1833403_640

“Baby stay
I can make everything alright Just tell me what to say
‘Cause I really don’t want you to go
You used to laugh and say sweet things to me
You made me happy as a man can be
Hold me in your arms like you did then
Make the memory live all over again
Darlin’ stay
Why don’t you be with me tonight…”

But men tend to experience more emotional hardships compared to women after a separation. Women tend to manage well their painful experience after a breakup than men because of their intimate relationship with their peers or friends.

cry-1580550_640

Men who are rejected by their female partners can become violent as this implies losing someone who can provide emotional support, comfort, and personal advice for all their personal issues. In patriarchal societies, men are trained as breadwinners and leaders in the political arena. Thus, they often face lots of personal conflicts, burnouts, personal threats, etc. Following the traditional gender role, the female partners or wives in these societies often act as counselors, best friends, soulmates, or advisers to their husbands. Thus, one could just imagine the emotional pain the male partners would experience if their female partners decide to end the relationship.

condo-2618421_640

I had a former college student, about to finish her 4-year course, who was stabbed more than 10 times and killed by her boyfriend after she decided to end the relationship. My student lived with her housemaid in a condominium. The parents were working abroad.  The boyfriend who is already married often visited her in the condominium. After the housemaid left the condominium to buy something in a nearby store, the stabbing incident occurred. The boyfriend became angry and violent when my former student announced to him that she decided to end their romantic relationship.

people-315910_640

I could only theorize that her boyfriend probably had a problematic marital relationship with his wife and that my former student probably became his confidante and close friend, aside from being his lover, who could understand him for all his personal problems. The tragic ending happened when my former student decided to discontinue their romance as she probably realized that their intimacy is not going to end in marriage. It was a crime of passion due to rejection and separation. May she rest in peace. Indeed, men tend to handle breakups very badly compared to women.

Photo credit: Pixabay.com

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Why My Former Student was Stabbed to Death by Her Boyfriend after a Breakup

attractive-1867127_640
Web Hosting

Separation from a romantic and marital relationship is a fact of life, especially when lovers or spouses refuse to negotiate to continue their partnership. Both men and women suffer after a breakup or divorce as the song goes…

“Here I am
Alone and I don’t understand
Exactly how it all began
The dream just walked away
I’m holdin’ on
When all but the passion’s gone

And from the start
Maybe I was tryin’ too hard
It’s crazy, ’cause it’s breakin’ my heart
Things can fall apart, but I know
That I don’t want you to go…”

But the process of separation or divorce after months or years of loving relationship can be very difficult for partners with all the sweet memories stored in their minds despite all the conflicts and personal pain they have undergone before separation. Many research studies show that men tend to suffer more emotionally compared to women, especially if they are rejected by their partners or wives. Because men are trained in society to keep their emotions and personal problems within themselves, their female partners or wives usually become their close friends or confidante of their personal struggles. And if their partners and wives reject them in a breakup or divorce, the pain of separation can indeed be unbearable. The following lyrics capture the pain and pleading of a man to his female partner to stay:

heart-1833403_640

“Baby stay
I can make everything alright Just tell me what to say
‘Cause I really don’t want you to go
You used to laugh and say sweet things to me
You made me happy as a man can be
Hold me in your arms like you did then
Make the memory live all over again
Darlin’ stay
Why don’t you be with me tonight…”

But men tend to experience more emotional hardships compared to women after a separation. Women tend to manage well their painful experience after a breakup than men because of their intimate relationship with their peers or friends.

cry-1580550_640

Men who are rejected by their female partners can become violent as this implies losing someone who can provide emotional support, comfort, and personal advice for all their personal issues. In patriarchal societies, men are trained as breadwinners and leaders in the political arena. Thus, they often face lots of personal conflicts, burnouts, personal threats, etc. Following the traditional gender role, the female partners or wives in these societies often act as counselors, best friends, soulmates, or advisers to their husbands. Thus, one could just imagine the emotional pain the male partners would experience if their female partners decide to end the relationship.

condo-2618421_640

I had a former college student, about to finish her 4-year course, who was stabbed more than 10 times and killed by her boyfriend after she decided to end the relationship. My student lived with her housemaid in a condominium. The parents were working abroad.  The boyfriend who is already married often visited her in the condominium. After the housemaid left the condominium to buy something in a nearby store, the stabbing incident occurred. The boyfriend became angry and violent when my former student announced to him that she decided to end their romantic relationship.

people-315910_640

I could only theorize that her boyfriend probably had a problematic marital relationship with his wife and that my former student probably became his confidante and close friend, aside from being his lover, who could understand him for all his personal problems. The tragic ending happened when my former student decided to discontinue their romance as she probably realized that their intimacy is not going to end in marriage. It was a crime of passion due to rejection and separation. May she rest in peace. Indeed, men tend to handle breakups very badly compared to women.

Photo credit: Pixabay.com

Thank you for reading this post. Sign up with our newsletter or follow this blog via email for more updates.

Why Spirituality is Essential to Your Life

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Once we are born in the material world and become members of society, we are thrown into a sea of social norms. These norms can be laws, rules, regulations, customs, traditions, and other forms of behavioral regimes. Social norms when effectively enforced can be coercive to people. Each norm carries with it sanction and punishment. This sanction can be psychological such as ostracism, rumors and gossip, public shaming, etc. or penal such as imprisonment, suspension, banishment, or paying of fines. Norms limit our freedom and action in society. They also structure our mental life and thinking.

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One story that struck me in a documentary shown in our local television is the story of a homeless Filipino migrant in the United States. He said before he became a homeless, he lived a happy family life with his wife and children. But this overturned when his wife filed a divorce. The law on alimony in San Francisco requires a husband who divorced his wife to pay 70% of his monthly income as a support to his wife and children. According to him, this has radically changed his life.

divorce-separation-marriage-breakup-split-39483.jpegHe was unable to keep up with the payments and incurred debts from the government. Thus, he lost his job and left his normal life and became a homeless. He can’t turned back to his old life since this implies paying his huge debts and finding a high-paying job. His story is an example of a societal trap in the material world that people may sometimes find themselves imprisoned, unable to free themselves from material bondage. For people who live without a spirituality and life of prayer, to live a societal trap is probably the end of the road. It can be a life of boredom, a life without meaning, progress, and hope.

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Material bondage is not an end, however, for people with deep sense of spirituality, particularly for those with strong beliefs in the supernatural or God. Religiosity, can provide people with a sense of meaning and purpose which can “empower” and provide them with a sense of control in the face of potentially stressful events (Hood 1974; Matton & Rappaport 1983).

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Spirituality can give us resilience and courage to face difficult situations in life. Thus, one secret to transcend the limitations of our material limitations is searching of an appropriate spirituality that fits with out ultimate goals in life. Searching for ultimate values and meaning of life is the key to purpose-driven life that transcends the material world. This is not escapism but an acknowledgement that there is more what the material world can offer.

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