How to Judge Your Partner’s Behavior

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People tend to judge the meaning of an action from the outside, and often fail to see what’s inside of the person’s mind doing the act. Most romantic relationships fail because the jealous partner only sees the social meaning of the external act of the other but not the motive behind it.

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One girlfriend just broke up with her boyfriend when she saw him chatting with a beautiful girl from afar. She interpreted the animated conversation of the two as a form of romantic attraction. Without asking the boyfriend about the girl and what they were talking about, she immediately stopped texting and communicating with him. She eventually broke up with his boyfriend without clarifying with him of what actually happened during that animated encounter with another girl.

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Max Weber, a German sociologist, has a very good advice for people who want to judge the meaning of people’s interaction. He called this approach as “verstehen” or “interpretive understanding”. This concept implies that a person must judge behavior from the actor’s point of view. If one really wants to understand the true meaning of the human action, he or she must put himself/herself into the shoes of the other.

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“Verstehen” implies understanding the social meaning of the person’s external act or the stereotype and the motive behind the act. It requires empathy.  Without learning the motive of the act, the observer would pass rash judgment and misjudge the true significance of the act. The girl could have investigated or probed further on what was really the motive why his boyfriend had an animated conversation with the other girl.

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Many romantic partners and spouses separate because they pass rash judgment, they only know the meaning of their partners’ external acts but fail to understand the real intentions underneath them. Jealously and other forms of negative emotions can sometimes cloud their judgments and forget to probe what actually happened with their partners’ or spouses’  encounters with the significant other.

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8 Biggest Turn-offs for Women on a Date

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The following are some of the biggest turn-offs for women on a date. Men must avoid these actions and traits when having a formal or informal date with a lady. A turned off girl would probably tell her partner the following observations:

1. You Lack  Confidence, Boy! Your Body Language will Show it.

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Insecure personality as shown in the guy’s body language is a big turn off for women in a date.  If you’re not confident about yourself or are feeling nervous during your dinner-date, your female partner will notice it. This is one of the biggest reasons why guys get spurned on a date. Women usually look for guys who are confident, secure, and ready to protect them. How can a nervous guy assure a woman that he can be dependable and reliable if he himself lacks self-confidence?

2. Oh, Boy! You look Cheap in Your Own Date When You Don’t Have To Be!

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The first impression counts in your first date. Prepare for it, including your budget. Make sure you have enough money to bring your girl to an expensive dinner-date! Your date will result in a big turn off if she noticed that you trying to save money and thus look cheap! The following actions are some of the biggest turn-offs for women:

“#1: Order the cheapest thing on the menu, and make a joke if his date orders something more expensive. Even if you’re kidding, this makes her feel hugely unappreciated.

#2: Ask to split the bill, when he’s the one who asked her out. Look, ‘don’t go Dutch’ is a core rule of manliness. If you ask her out, you pay. It’s just polite.

#3: Bring a bottle of wine to a party, and take the leftover wine home. I’m not even going to explain this one…”(Sutherns).

3. You Have a Bad (Or Overpowering) Scent, Boy!

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Some advice to avoid a bad or overpowering smell:

Step #1: Use antiperspirant, instead of just deodorant. Deodorant only attempts to block bad odors… while antiperspirant stops sweating altogether.

Step #2: Brush your teeth well every day, instead of just intensely brushing right before a date. Bad breath germs can live in your mouth/throat and can even grow … so wipe them out regularly by brushing on a schedule.

Step #3: Choose the right cologne (and use a max of two sprays). Some cologne is more powerful than others, so get one that’s long-lasting, and tone down the number of sprays (one spray on both your chest and neck are ideal).

4. You Accidentally Make Yourself the Focus of Your Date!

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“There’s a distinct line (a timeline, actually) between being expressive (what girls want)and being too informative (what they don’t want). Being expressive means telling her that you like her, being honest when something’s bothering you, etc.…but being too informative means talking about things that are way too personal/serious too soon (when she’s not ready to hear them…)” (Sutherns).

5. You are a Boring Guy!

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A boring guy is another big turn off for women. Women like dating partners who are entertaining with a strong sense of humor, making the date worthwhile. All girls and guys have experienced this at some point in their lives. Try to sit next to a guy, and his conversations were so boring that you would rather jump off a cliff.

6. You’re a Narcissist Dating Partner!

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A self-centered guy who cares more about himself than his date is a big turn off for women. Any guy who spends more time in front of the mirror than his own girlfriend is a huge turn-off. Also, if you’re having dinner with your date, and the waiter accidentally spills a bit of juice on your silk shirt, wipe it away like a man. Don’t whine about how your silk shirt is ruined and behave like a drama queen.

7. You Act Like You Know it all, Boy!

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Don’t talk as if you know all the answers to all the questions of your female partner. Nothing is worse than you acting like a dude who’s too self-absorbed with your own self and forget to notice that you partner exists. Talk less and listen more to your date. Make her feel that she is important and special during your date.

 8. You’re not Following Her Through, Boy!

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Women like persistent men. After the date, women expect their men to make a follow after the first encounter. They like men who pursue them. An inconsistent guy is the biggest loser and turn-off for women.

GIF Credit: Giphy.com

References

Patterson, E. (n.d.). The 10 Biggest Dating Turn Offs for Women. Retrieved from https://www.lovepanky.com/men/understanding-women/10-dating-turn-offs-for-women.

Sutherns, R. (n.d.). “7 Big Things that Turn Women Off [From Her]”. Retrieved from https://www.mantelligence.com/surprising-things-that-turn-women-off/.

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When is the Birth of Romantic Love in Society?

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The idea of romantic love and falling in love before marriage started to become a popular trend and practice in Western industrialized societies only in the late eighteenth century with the rise of modernity in Europe. During the Middle Ages, virtually no one married for love. There was, in fact, a medieval saying that “To love one’s wife with one’s emotion is adultery.” People entered into marriage, during this period, primarily to keep the property in the hands of the family and to raise children to work in the family farm (Giddens and Girffiths, 2006, p.205).

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The concept of courtly love, a medieval European concept of nobility and chivalrous love, generally secret and between members of the nobility, precipitated the rise of romantic love in the 19th century. “Chevaliers, or knights in the Middle Ages, engaged in what were usually non-physical and non-marital relationships with women of the nobility of whom they served.”

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The birth of romantic love coincided more or less with the emergence of the novel as a literary form, and the spread of romantic novels. Love stories in romantic novels played a vital role in popularizing the idea of romantic love (Radway in Giddens and Griffiths, p. 205).

The term “romantic love” is said to have been coined only in the 19th century by the literary critic Gaston Paris to denote a particular constellation of attitudes and patterns of behavior that characterized a body of literature arising in Provence in the 12th century (Paris, 1983 cited in Karandashev, 2015, p.4).

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Romantic love is a deep physical and emotional attraction. It generally involves a mix of emotional and sexual desire: emotional highs, exhilaration, passion, and elation. It is a type of feeling that is passionate, fanciful, expressive, and pleasurable from an emotional attraction towards another person (Karandashev, 2015, p.4).

Lantz (1982) defined romantic love as “a love based on personal-emotional attraction, with a strong erotic component which is often repressed because of moral conflict.” Its main features include idealization of the loved one, the notion of a one and only, and the idea that true love overcomes all obstacles. This is different from conjugal love in marriage which is developed over extended periods of time and is based on feelings of appreciation, loyalty, and admiration, stemming from the sharing of common experiences (Lantz, 1982, p. 349).

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Love in the sense of sexual passion is a common feature of societies. But romantic love is different from sexual love. Romantic love is all about emotional communication and the attractiveness of the other. It carries with it the idea of intimacy because one falls in love specifically with the qualities of the other. It tells a forward-looking story or narrative about the lovers and creates a biography, not just for one person, but for two people (Giddens & Pierson, 1998). Sexual love is temporary and focused on physical attraction and beauty of the partners and not on the quality of the romantic relationship and personal traits and personalities of the lovers.

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Older People Have a more Satisfying Relationship than Younger Adults

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Age does matter in social relationships. It is assumed that older people experience more negative experiences in life compared to younger people because of loneliness and detachment from relatives and friends who are either sick, dead or migrated to distant places. Although it is generally true that older people, especially the retired and senior citizens, tend to have lesser reach in a social network, the quality of their relationships, however, tend to be more satisfying compared to younger ones.

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Age is connected with experience in life. Older people have more experience about the realities of life and thus more resilient than younger adults with limited experience and who are more prone to commit mistakes and encounter conflicts in social relationships. Younger people are usually facing disillusionment or discovery period in their marital or romantic commitments during young adulthood. But the older ones have already surpassed this transition period and have “gone through the storm” so to speak. After more than 10 or more years in marital or romantic adjustment, it is assumed that they are more or less stable in their relationships and accepting of the faults and limitations of their partners, as well as their respective circles of relatives and friends that directly affect their social interactions, than younger ones.

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The high satisfaction in social relationships among older adults is confirmed by a number of studies that showed that older people experienced more quality relationships than younger ones. Older adults reported greater satisfaction and fewer negative experiences in their social interactions than younger adults according to a study by Birditt & Fingerman in 2003.

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Other studies also showed that older adults reported experiencing a greater intensity of positive emotions and less intense negative emotions with their close social partners than do younger adults. They also recalled that they derived greater support from their close social ties compared to younger ones. They confirmed that they have better quality ties with their children, more positive marriages and closer friendships (e.g. Rook, 1984, 2003). Thus, social support grows more positive with age (e.g. Field & Minkler, 1988).

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Finally, a study by the United States of Aging Survey found that “[m]ore than half of seniors (53 percent) nationally indicate that being close to friends and family is important.” It  revealed that “[e]ighty-four percent of seniors nationally cite technology as important to their ability to connect with the world around them.” It also showed that spending quality time with their children and grandchildren as very exciting:

  • “41 percent say seeing their children and grandchildren grow up is the most exciting prospect of living a longer life”
  • “One-fifth say spending time with friends and family will be the best part of their bonus years”
  • “18 percent say they are excited to have more time to do the things they enjoy”(https://www.aplaceformom.com/blog/05-08-17-seniors-secret-to-happy-life/)

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7 Top Traits Women Want in Men

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1. With Sense of Humor

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A sense of humor makes men attractive to women. Being able to laugh at the stresses of this world is a must, according to 77 percent of the women in one study. Men get bonus points if they can make women laugh. Humor tells a woman that you can laugh at the many difficulties that life throws at you.

Moreover, some studies showed that women typically choose better-looking guys for flings, not long-term relationships. Men with strong sense of humor may not necessarily be attractive. They also showed that women love men who make them smile and laugh, especially during times of stress and problems.

2. Intelligent

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A worldly, interesting man is a man 55 percent of women like to show off. Men who are problem solvers make women feel secure, and men who are always improving are never boring.

3. Confident

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A man who feels secure in his own skin makes the woman he’s with feel secure, according to 41 percent of women in one research study. By showing men can handle unfamiliar people or situations, they tell women in their life that they need not fear, either.

4. With High Earning Potential

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One in five women surveyed in one study said a man’s success in his career contributes to his sexiness. If you’ve demonstrated talent, goal achievement, and follow-through, you give women confidence that you will be a good provider.

5. With Great Ambition

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Men with great ambition in life is attractive to women. The ambition of achieving higher social status and social class in society can impress women who want their men to be successful. “Not ambition in the sense that you knock other people down to build yourself up, but in the fact that you will work hard to get what you want and help others to do the same thing” (Jordan).

6. Passionate About Life

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Women love men who are passionate in whatever they do in life. They also love men who live in the moment and enjoy life every day. It’s not about the destination, but about the journey in life that women expect from their male partners.

7. Brave

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Women are attracted to brave men who can face difficult situations with confidence.  Being brave, alert in emergency situations, is very attractive to women and indicates that they can protect them from all types of danger.

8. Famous

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If men are famous, then by definition a lot of people know them. If a lot of people know them, they are therefore important. Being important is very attractive to women. Popularity and achievement are attractive for female partners. Women want their men to be achievers, innovative, and leaders in their chosen fields.

Being famous men implies more social connection, prestige, and honor for their women. Popularity is an indicator of social status, one of the main sources of power in society, together with social class.

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References

Calo, C. (n.d.). the 100 Top Things that Attract Women to Men.Way Too Social. Retrieved from https://www.waytoosocial.com/top-100-things-that-attract-women-to-men/.

Jones, L. (17 April 2018). Top 20 Traits Women Want in a Man. Men’shealth. Retrieved from https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a19535604/top-20-traits-she-wants/.

Jordan, S. (n.d.). 7 Qualities Women Find Attractive in Men. Lifehack. Retrieved from https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/7-qualities-women-find-attractive-men.html.